Sunday, July 04, 2010


More grief.....



My sister Jane, chose to end her life on July 1, 2010. She was 50 years old. I am having a hard time with this. I have gone through so many emotions during the past three days: shock, anger, sadness, fear, denial, ....

Jane will be missed by so many people. She just wasn't herself. Depression just took over her life the past seven months. Our family and her friends tried to help her. Living in this world just got to be too much for her. She left a note and asked us to forgive her. I am choosing to do that. I loved my sister deeply and I do forgive her. I am just so sad that she won't be here to meet her grandchild that will be born in December. She won't see my son, (her Godson) graduate from High School in May. Or my other kids graduate, get married, and me become a grandmother someday. I don't get to share that stuff with her. That makes me terribly sad.

I'm worried about my parents. They are 79 years old. No parent should have to bury their child. My dad is very angry. We all have to go through this process together but will do so at different stages. All I can do is love them. I've been the strongest through all of this. I was the one who planned her funeral with my niece and nephew. I stayed at the funeral home with my niece so she could see her mom, again. On a slab covered in a sheet. Unbelievable. But I did it for Erica. I picked out her clothes and gave them a picture of her so her hair will look nice while in the casket. Unbelievable. I picked out the poem and planned the program for her funeral (with my niece's help) Unbelievable. I ordered the flowers and helped pick out the songs. Unbelievable. I will be making the picture boards. Unbelievable. I will be reading one of the Bible passages on Tuesday. Unbelievable.

I choose to live. I choose to honor my sister's memory. Not for how she chose to end her life, but how she lived her life for 50 years. She defined "the life of the party".

Depression is an illness. I choose to spend the rest of my life trying to help with Mental Health Awareness and maybe with research and fund raising, I can help one person who will choose to live and spare another family the pain that my family is going through right now.

I choose to live.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jaci, I am so sorry for your loss and wish you and your family much peace and much strength as you go through this most difficult time.

katy

Anonymous said...

Jaci, you have my deepest sympathy and heartfelt wishes that you will find peace and comfort in your memories of better times with your beloved sister.

JasmineRose

bbstewart said...

Jaci, my heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you strength and peace as you and your family go through this difficult time.

Beth

Sharon said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Jaci. You have shown amazing strength in choosing to forgive her decision. Remember that it is okay for you to not be strong too.

Sharon

Aimee said...

Jaci, my heart breaks for you right now. As someone who has a close family member who battles with mental illness, my heart and love go out to you in the greatest amount possible. What a beautifully written post. I'm sending wishes of peace and strength to all of your family. HUGS

Aimee/TheNerdyKnitter

Sheri at The Loopy Ewe said...

Jaci, I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. You have chosen to honor and celebrate your sister's life, by helping to plan the funeral and program. I know that your niece and nephew must really appreciate that.

Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

TheWench said...

Oh Jaci I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

Fluffykira said...

Jaci -

I am so sorry to hear about this. I wish you and your family the best in this terrible time. I'll be thinking of you often.

Loren T said...

Jaci,

My heart breaks for you and your family. It sounds like you're being so strong for everyone, but please remember to take care of yourself, too. I hope you, your parents, your sister's kids, and everyone who knew her can find peace.

lorent

Benne said...

Jaci, my deepest sympathy on the loss of your sister. I hope loving memories of Jane will comfort you and your family and bring peace.

(feathersong)

Tempted Handpainted Yarns said...

Jaci, I am so sorry. Having lost a sibling myself, you have my empathy. Hang in there, there is just no words for what I want to say. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim said...

Jaci, I am SO sorry to read this post!! I have lived through a suicide and know the darkness that is left behind to deal with. Please know that I am here to talk to you any time you need an ear. It's so hard to process this isn't it. :(

Many hugs!

Lynda Hitt said...

Jaci,

Just know that you are in my thoughts and that I am sending you massive amounts of hugs!!!!

Life's a Stitch said...

Just lost my comment so will try again. I ,too, have a family member with mental illness, so unpredictable and tragic. Wishing you the gift of the happy memories as time goes by.

Leslie said...

I wish I could offer you more than my genuine condolences and my hopes that your family finds a way through this.

Cat said...

I'm so sorry. Depression is a terrible disease that has claimed too many lives. My heart goes out to you and your family, and to your sister who lost her battle with this illness. Remember her for who she was, not who the disease made her.