Thank you for all the love and support. It means so very much to me. I am having trouble finding the words to describe the emotions I have had for the past ten days.
Will life ever feel "normal" again. I don't know. I have had so many people ask me, "What can I do for you?" or "If you need anything, let me know." I don't know what I need or what people can do for me. I'm usually the one who likes to do things for others.
At this very moment, I would love to have someone come to my house and organize and clean my kitchen. That's what I need the most. I'm just too overwhelmed to do this task.
Grieving is a process. One minute at a time, then one hour at a time, and eventually I will get through one day at a time.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
My sister Jane, chose to end her life on July 1, 2010. She was 50 years old. I am having a hard time with this. I have gone through so many emotions during the past three days: shock, anger, sadness, fear, denial, ....
Jane will be missed by so many people. She just wasn't herself. Depression just took over her life the past seven months. Our family and her friends tried to help her. Living in this world just got to be too much for her. She left a note and asked us to forgive her. I am choosing to do that. I loved my sister deeply and I do forgive her. I am just so sad that she won't be here to meet her grandchild that will be born in December. She won't see my son, (her Godson) graduate from High School in May. Or my other kids graduate, get married, and me become a grandmother someday. I don't get to share that stuff with her. That makes me terribly sad.
I'm worried about my parents. They are 79 years old. No parent should have to bury their child. My dad is very angry. We all have to go through this process together but will do so at different stages. All I can do is love them. I've been the strongest through all of this. I was the one who planned her funeral with my niece and nephew. I stayed at the funeral home with my niece so she could see her mom, again. On a slab covered in a sheet. Unbelievable. But I did it for Erica. I picked out her clothes and gave them a picture of her so her hair will look nice while in the casket. Unbelievable. I picked out the poem and planned the program for her funeral (with my niece's help) Unbelievable. I ordered the flowers and helped pick out the songs. Unbelievable. I will be making the picture boards. Unbelievable. I will be reading one of the Bible passages on Tuesday. Unbelievable.
I choose to live. I choose to honor my sister's memory. Not for how she chose to end her life, but how she lived her life for 50 years. She defined "the life of the party".
Depression is an illness. I choose to spend the rest of my life trying to help with Mental Health Awareness and maybe with research and fund raising, I can help one person who will choose to live and spare another family the pain that my family is going through right now.
I choose to live.